Hi [BLANK] it’s me, [BLANK]

Do you struggle with understanding your true identity?

Do you find yourself both attracted to and completely disenchanted by almost everything you see?

Do most of the words that come out of your mouth sound like someone else’s words (I’m basically just Myles with boobs)?

Hi, I’m Jac, the nightmare behind Jacland and resident walking question mark. Are you tired of feeling like you’re on a never ending journey of trying to remember what you like just so you can compile it together to be a consistent identity?

You’ve come to the right blog. At Jacland, we teach you to embrace being basically nothing while still having to participate in a society demanding answers.

Through a careful process of revisiting all your old Yous, (yes, even your Goth phase. At least she knew who she was) we’ll add more to your identity and confusion, but also participate in fun activities until you die from exploding.

San Francisco is crazy. I think I love it too much. The weather is beautiful, the people are so nice, the food is delicious. I feel very different. I’m not going to go into how I feel because that requires vulnerability and I’m simply not willing to contribute to that kind of positive processing. Still, I know people change, I understand that we all kinda chameleon to be like our surroundings, but sometimes it’s super confusing. Myles asked what what I know for sure about myself and all I could say is that I’m happy being a woman (which I flip flopped on) and that I want a breast reduction. I don’t know anything else about myself. Now that I’m here, I feel like California barbie. I’m just this reproduction of my essence.

Now for a commercial about SF Jac. She’s soft, she’s sweet. She enjoys really delicious food (cause I guess she has a palate?), she loves closing her eyes and feeling the sun. She went on a date the second night she was in town and had a killer time and has a second date on Sunday.

We went a Burmese restaurant that changed me. Then we went to see a Brazilian trans soul singer perform with her INCREDIBLE band. They were so good and everyone in the crowd was Brazilian and they were all so happy to be together and I felt very fortunate to see it all.

Then my work told me I have two days off the entire rest of the time we’re here. And that took all the fun out of everything and now I’m sad.

Back to your regularly scheduled meltdown.

I fear that life moves so fast and we’re so swept up in it that the people we become are the people we’re made to be but we never really get a chance to be the person we wanted to be.

I’ve always wanted to be better about thinking before speaking. I get it from my father; we always go for the joke (he’s a lot better at it than I am). Though I think that’s just a cute little character trait of mine, there’s a time and a place and I’ve always wanted control over that action. I want to wield it rather than be wielded by it.

But life keeps moving and I’ve never given much time to actually figuring out how to assess if what I’m about to say is just really stupid or if it’ll hit home (I’m a solid 50/50). That’s an example. That’s not my project for the week lol. I can feel the wind as that hope and dream whooshes by me.

What I’m trying to say is, I’ve wanted to be a lot of things, and I really think I’ve only been a few of them. I’ve been A LOT of things, but not a lot of them are things I want to be. SO ARE YOU STILL FOLLOWING SHOULD I JUST HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH THE MIRROR?

I guess what I’m trying to say is right now, even though I’m sad to be in a new place and hardly get to enjoy it, it’s nice feeling like a different version of myself. What if I learn something brand new about me? What if this version is the forever version? What if just letting myself try to be this new thing gets me closer to the me I want to be?

Me, by Erik Fox, 2016

I’m so tired. It’s week one and I work six days in a row and so none of this makes sense and I keep forgetting what the blog is about. Definitely not this stuff. We’ll call this one a special program or something cause I guess it’s also based on a bad infomercial?

The Golden Girls takeaway here is that you don’t get a second chance to try all the things you’ve always wanted to do. For me that’s trying on personalities like shoes. Its going back through my journals and doing all the things I ever mentioned having an interest in. Maybe for you its learning an instrument or a language, or getting your nipples pierced or something weird like that (it doesn’t hurt as bad as everyone says).

Just do it™ and choose the people you want to be. Be ALL the things you’ve wanted. Don’t let you just happen.

That’s all for today, folks. I hope that you come back for our next session in which we basais;hasrihja;rliyaj (there is no next step I don’t know what to say).

Wish me luck and don’t worry if you feel confused about this whole post. It’s only natural.