STOP Right Now

Hello. Thanks for being here on this most glorious of Fridays. Friday. I’ll say it again, Friday. I’m so hot for Fridays.

If you also had a demon week, if you also almost killed three people on purpose for pleasure, if you tried to get hit by a car just for a little relief, then we had similar weeks and I’m glad you’re here right now. The new job is rough, the man I work for who is my only saving grace had emergency spine surgery on Tuesday because his arms went numb, my event director’s father passed away, one of my best friend’s husband had brain surgery to remove a giant tumor and I was slapped with a $700 electricity bill because my heater “isn’t cost effective” and I’m a moron.

I’M. GONNA. LOSE IT. In the overly dramatic words of Tiny Me:

1-12-06 “I feel like scum-ocean-fish-parasites-dirt-earth’s core-me! Very bottom right now.” Some days you just shouldn’t get out of bed.

Anyway, the French cottage was a restaurant. It had a fireplace and books on some shelves, but not even for a single second while I was there did I forget I was in a restaurant.

I didn’t go to casino night. I got all dressed, cute outfit, got my books and everything to read on the way. Then my subway kicked me off after three stops. So I had to take a shuttle bus over the bridge into the city. Once I’m off the bus, the only train I could take wasn’t running. So it took me almost an hour just to get to Port Authority to find a proper bus to take into NJ. I still had two hours before I’d get there. So I bailed. All the episodes of Broad City you non-New Yorkers watch where they spend an entire episode just trying to get somewhere is really really real.

Monday I spent the evening with a work and business-free mind to chat with my friend Cam about her engagement! Cam is the literal reason I’m in New York and I got to live with her and her fiance Matt for a while. Very excited, very happy for them. And it was nice to just enjoy the presence of friendship and have a nice time.

“There’s a room full of people waiting to feel normal by comparison.”

Tuesday I saw Kinky Boots. I’m a changed man. I still dream about it. God I love drag and Broadway theatre.

I’m giving up on drawing. The whole reason I was doing it was to live my “go, do and have fun” life, but it’s not fun. It’s harrowing. Bless all you artists out there, you’re special and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

This was yesterday. “Prayer hands.”

Prayer was a wash. I hardly did it, though it was nice to see just how self centered I am. I was asking mostly for things for myself, and it genuinely made me see that I spend very little time thinking of others. So, huh. Did I learn something or did I learn something? I’m going to keep going because truthfully I wrote three prayers.

For comparison, 1-21-06: “God – help me to be a better person. To always be kind to people and to care for everyone like you would care for me. Help me to be a better person in your word and to believe in you like I really want to.”

Vs.

March 31st [2019]: “Dear whatever… I pray that I grow in my confidence at work this week. That this is the week I really grab the wheel and take off, talking with new people, coming up with new strategies and securing REAL MONEY. I pray my belief in myself grows along with my initiative. I pray I can stay on task and be present and productive.” TL;DR – Idk what I’m doing oooh something shiny.

Ok so I’ve only got about five more posts for volume one. And because of this, the last few will either be dull af or big tickets. And this week I chose a dull af one because I simply don’t know if I could take on more.

This week, though, is still important in lesson.

3-7-06: “STOP telling people things.”

This one is about how I had been talking about some of my troubled friends in a bible study group and when I left I felt super guilty about, what I felt was, talking shit about my friends.

The intention was to help. I wanted them to be prayed for because I was concerned, but knew what really happened was that I was talking about how all the people I spend my time with weren’t doing well with a room full of straight A students.

Gossip isn’t a huge part of my life, and I truly don’t believe that’s what I was doing back then, but I do believe I spend a lot of my energy trying to commiserate with people. Which is only half relevant to what I wrote, but I just felt bad that I talked about other peoples’ lives with people who weren’t invested in them like I was. And so, the takeaway here is that I still, like us all, have a tendency to use a focal point (usually another person) to start conversations, to commiserate, or to vent. When really, there are millions of other things I could use to have the exact same affects.

What us kids live by. Or, at least what our moms say to get us to shut the fuck up.

So this coming week I’m going to be aware of how I talk about other people. If I don’t have a positive factual thing to say about someone, there’s really no need to say it at all. I have a million other people I’m trying to be, so I’m just going to leave that one behind. I’m going to STOP talking about people.

Also on the agenda this week: actually dancing, making a NY time capsule inside a briefcase my boss from my previous job gave me, going to a kickboxing class with my friend Sharon, maybe getting out to Hallett Nature Sanctuary in Central Park (I’ve been but it’s so beautiful. Follow my Insta for videos of me breathing really hard outside). I’m still riding the have fun life and will be meeting with my artist on Tuesday about the story!

Life is wild. I’m tired.

Wish me luck and have a drink for me.